“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
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observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
This was a bad idea all around
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA