Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”