You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
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Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.