I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
You Might Also Like
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.