Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
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I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.