Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
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Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
you have three unread messages
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?