You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
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going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
A flock of dads is called a grill.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Smooooooth
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10