12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
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When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.