[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
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ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
The human personality is made of five key elements
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
rise and shine we got egg
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.