I like donuts.
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I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Venn
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.