I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
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Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her