It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
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this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.