ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
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me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
A Short Story.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
*frowns in Scottish*
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many