ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
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The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
bought wrong eggs
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”