If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
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JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it