“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
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Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
What?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?