Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
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I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart