Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
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The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
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Morningbreath
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Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?