[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
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I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”