Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
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*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him