E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
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Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Me, reading some of your tweets
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Holy moly
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been