WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
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Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
gm
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
where the womens at?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Teach your children to beatbox