If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
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My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
a fate I wish upon no one
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
*aggressively waits in line*
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old