My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
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Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
this is literally a CIA plant
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!