Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
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100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are