[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
You Might Also Like
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
A woman drives into a bar.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of