Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
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You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
oh my gosh!!
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.