Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
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learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?