All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
You Might Also Like
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
(more comics:
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.