The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
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Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.