Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?