[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
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Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
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BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.