Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
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If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
The two types of wives
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like