My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
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coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
🙅🏻
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I hope Alan is OK