Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
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Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*