ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
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Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
being a writer on Twitter:
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me