Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
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All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I’m having an out of money experience.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.