I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
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Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
This is my pinned tweet
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!