I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
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*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
The asteroid..
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Watermelon Boss!
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp