I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
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Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Best mom ever 😂
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?