Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
You Might Also Like
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I’m awake but I object,
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.