My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
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Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it