“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
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Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
God, I love Scotland
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
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I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.