I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
You Might Also Like
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Fixed this for Shakespeare
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
*names my little horse OneTrick*
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away