[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
You Might Also Like
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
You’re the water to my grease fire.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
You know…for fall…
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
hey, alexa
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course