My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
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Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.