Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
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Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”