If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
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Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.