There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
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Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
We’ve all been there…
finally found a reasonable question
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.