MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
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A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!